An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus (Tow Law Town FC)

Dear Miley,

Hi, hope you are well. I’m Andy Fury. You’ve probably heard of me already – I won the Hilarity Bites new act of the year award in 2010. It’s ok, I’m not a nutter, I’m in showbusiness too. In fact only tonight I’m performing my “absolute genius” (BBC) comedy at Ashington Football Club. But I’m writing to you today to talk about Tow Law Town FC.


I’m sure you’ve heard of them – Chris Waddle used to play for them. They have a nice little stadium that they play in called Ironworks Road. As far as I can tell it’s nowhere near any Ironworks, which seems odd, but hey, I don’t make the rules, I just break them.


Speaking of rules, I should point out that I don’t mind you breaking the rules. In fact I think it’s fairly good that you do. I’m fairly undecided on Wrecking Ball as a song, although if you pressed me I’d probably veer towards liking it. Regardless, if you want to lick hammers and ride wrecking balls, who are we to stop you? I bet if Sinead O’Connor could have swung round on the end of a crane at your age she’d be a lot less bitter about the situation now.


One rule I should point out that you can’t break is Tow Law’s rule about walking behind their floodlights. The FA have banned anyone from doing it, although they’ve bricked off the area around the floodlights so you couldn’t even if you wanted to. Although you probably do want to – you’re Miley bloody Cirus!


It’s a nice ground anyway Miley, that’s what I’m saying – they’ve hand painted their main stand, which is a nice touch, and there’s terracing if you choose to stand – sitting is quite conformist so I suspect you’d kick the stand to the kerb.


One thing I would suggest if you visit Tow Law would be to ignore their claims about them doing an amazing curry and chips – it’s just curry sauce rather than actual curry (I was just as disappointed, don’t worry).


Anyway, I hope this finds you in good spirits. My personal advice would be to ignore the mean bastards giving you stick. I find visiting soccer stadiums helps me relax away from show business life, although I suspect repeated trips to Harrogate could get expensive for you. I’m only about an hour and a half away. I’d definitely recommend West Auckland FC for a visit – I’m sure they’d sort you out a cup of tea for free as well.

All the best for your future career, and say hello to your dad as well. Top bloke.


Andy Fury




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